tomorrows holiday

tomorrow is thanksgiving and i am heading to montana to be with one of my dearest friends and to share my blessings with her and her son however, we will be celebrating with one less body at the table, miss hanna.

we all work tirelessly to keep the dream alive and make sure hanna and her legacy are fresh on everyone's mind.  we have submitted our story to people, oprah, ellen and countless other magazines. we are searching for the perfect way to tell the truth, the truth about hanna, her life and what she still brings to this world.

i have been sad lately.  i have cried.  i fear i won't be able to be there for her mom if she needs me.  i hope i will.

i miss hanna this holiday season and i pray for strength as we share this first holiday without our girl.

snoop(y)

I read an article a few weeks ago, and it made me think, snoop or no snoop?  I thought about my own past and my own indiscretions - and yes, my own snooping.  I have to say, if I had to do it again, I would not.  You see, when you snoop you find.  And ugh, finding is the worst.  All of my fears came true - ugh, that is all I can say right now.  UGH.

so I posted this to Facebook and found that moms will snoop on their kids, to make sure all is well.  Hmmm, not sure how I feel about that.  Another friend said, "anything in this house is free game" and another said, "if I thought my husband/wife was up to something" and tonight, another friend said, "if I feel the need to snoop then I need to get out of the relationship".  Or something like that.  He was too concerned that I would have something over his head that he would NOT elaborate on if/when he HAD snooped and make no mistake, he has/had.

How do I know if he has?  When straight out asked he avoided (eyes shifting I'm sure)...so if he refuses to tell me the truth, I shall create my own truth - HE SNOOPED!  (HAHAHAHAHA)

Now, with all this being said, I too believe someone has snooped on me.  I know for sure my journal was read while I was in high school pouring my heart out onto the empty pages and like me, they read more than they bargained for.  And if I'm not mistaking the ex fiance, he snooped in my journals too.  Not sure that he learned anything exciting other than, "this relationship has issues". 

Just a random thought about life...if you snoop does that mean you don't trust?  Or is curiosity the devil on your shoulder?

Oh, Universe, step in...

why?

I often have to stop and ask, why?  Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do flowers die before they should?  Why does cancer exist?  I am still waiting for answers.  Nothing yet.

Tonight I was on the phone with someone very dear to me.  He is going through an U-G-L-Y divorce and I find that I just want to "punch out" his soon to be ex wife.  And it reminds me of so many things that happen to good people.  I think of Hanna.  She was 6, yes, SIX, years old when she died.  My heart hurt more than it has ever hurt before.  I remember holding her mother in my arms as she begged me to let her go with her daughter.  I have never had something so horrible happen in my whole life.

Then I have friends going through divorces no one should have to endure and I think, "why"?  Why do such fabulous people have to endure such pain?  None of it makes sense for me. 

So, dear Universe, I ask, "why"?

I'll wait for the ever profound answer.

wasn't me...

there is a song out there by Shaggy, It wasn't me, and believe it or not there is a guy out there using those lyrics (insert heavy sigh).

Not sure he's still using those words but about 20 years ago he was.  Ahhhh, John - silly silly John.

My best friend and I were living together, she is a gorgeous, smart, funny, intelligent woman who also happens to be in law enforcement.  Tough cookie right?  Yep - except with men way back when.  She met this guy, we'll call him John, and he was smart and charming and well, he did a number on her.  He woo'd his way in and woe'd his way out.  He was a piece of work.  To say I did not like John would be an understatement.  I was just hateful enough to hang up on him when he would call and fell short of hitting him when I saw him...he was simply an a**hole.

He was seeing other women while seeing my best friend and naturally he was lying about it.  He was violent and abusive but did the "I'm sorry baby" routine when he was done.  Let me clarify that the violence and abuse fell "short" of physical; he was verbally abusive and physically intimidating.  Not my favorite person to say the least.

I must have told my friend a million times to dump him.  He's not good enough for you I would say - but we were young and naive and thought men would change for us.  You see we thought we were that special.  Come to find out, no one is special enough to change an abuser.

After months, maybe years, of their dating off and on, my BFF found out that John might be cheating on her.  Might was her word, my word was of course he is.  So at some ridiculous hour in the night (really the morning) we did the drive by.  We drove by the house of the girl we suspected he was cheating with.  And what did we find?  John's car - yep, the same make, model, color, blah blah blah.  Now one can argue that it wasn't him except his work uniform was hanging from the back seat - you know the one with his name on the chest?  (insert the roll of the eyes).  Naturally my BFF was devastated - how could he she said, as tears fell down her face.

The next decision was, do we walk up to the apartment and confront him?  My blood was boiling to the point where I could have easily confronted him on her behalf but she was not ready for that - so instead we drove away, knowing the truth.

My BFF decided she would confront him the next day with her facts and she did (I was so proud).  She sat him down, face to face and said, I know what you are up to.  Being the con-man that John was (maybe still is) he did what any good con man would do - he lied and denied.  Lie/deny, lie/deny.  He actually looked her in the eye and said, "baby, it wasn't me". 

Excuse me?

Wasn't you?

Are you kidding me?  Of course it was you - your work uniform was in the back - I saw it. 

Baby, I don't know what to tell you, it wasn't me.

And then, holy sh*t - she believed him.  She said to me, "it wasn't him - we were wrong". 

Excuse me?

No!  I saw it, it was him, he's lying. 

Nope she continued, I was wrong, it wasn't him.

I think she was trying to get through this horrible humiliation rather than really believing him - and she demonstrated this by breaking up with him very soon after this incident.  Ahhh, there was vindication.

Years later she would see him again and again, he would hold to his story - "baby, it wasn't me".

Do they really think we believe this crap?

Yep, Run Don't Walk.

uh buh bye

i took this the last time i was in cabo...what shall i bring back this time?