tomorrows holiday

tomorrow is thanksgiving and i am heading to montana to be with one of my dearest friends and to share my blessings with her and her son...however, we will be celebrating with one less body at the table, miss hanna.

we all work tirelessly to keep the dream alive and make sure hanna and her legacy are fresh on everyone's mind.  we have submitted our story to people, oprah, ellen and countless other magazines. we are searching for the perfect way to tell the truth, the truth about hanna, her life and what she still brings to this world.

i have been sad lately.  i have cried.  i fear i won't be able to be there for her mom if she needs me.  i hope i will.

i miss hanna this holiday season and i pray for strength as we share this first holiday without our girl.

Update on Friday, December 18, 2009 at 7:00PM by Lori Luna

well, as i suspected i did not make it through the day without a breakdown, just keeping it real i suppose.

snoop(y)

I read an article a few weeks ago, and it made me think, snoop or no snoop?  I thought about my own past and my own indiscretions - and yes, my own snooping.  I have to say, if I had to do it again, I would not.  You see, when you snoop you find.  And ugh, finding is the worst.  All of my fears came true - ugh, that is all I can say right now.  UGH.

so I posted this to Facebook and found that moms will snoop on their kids, to make sure all is well.  Hmmm, not sure how I feel about that.  Another friend said, "anything in this house is free game" and another said, "if I thought my husband/wife was up to something" and tonight, another friend said, "if I feel the need to snoop then I need to get out of the relationship".  Or something like that.  He was too concerned that I would have something over his head that he would NOT elaborate on if/when he HAD snooped and make no mistake, he has/had.

How do I know if he has?  When straight out asked he avoided (eyes shifting I'm sure)...so if he refuses to tell me the truth, I shall create my own truth - HE SNOOPED!  (HAHAHAHAHA)

Now, with all this being said, I too believe someone has snooped on me.  I know for sure my journal was read while I was in high school pouring my heart out onto the empty pages and like me, they read more than they bargained for.  And if I'm not mistaking the ex fiance, he snooped in my journals too.  Not sure that he learned anything exciting other than, "this relationship has issues". 

Just a random thought about life...if you snoop does that mean you don't trust?  Or is curiosity the devil on your shoulder?

Oh, Universe, step in...

why?

I often have to stop and ask, why?  Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do flowers die before they should?  Why does cancer exist?  I am still waiting for answers.  Nothing yet.

Tonight I was on the phone with someone very dear to me.  He is going through an U-G-L-Y divorce and I find that I just want to "punch out" his soon to be ex wife.  And it reminds me of so many things that happen to good people.  I think of Hanna.  She was 6, yes, SIX, years old when she died.  My heart hurt more than it has ever hurt before.  I remember holding her mother in my arms as she begged me to let her go with her daughter.  I have never had something so horrible happen in my whole life.

Then I have friends going through divorces no one should have to endure and I think, "why"?  Why do such fabulous people have to endure such pain?  None of it makes sense for me. 

So, dear Universe, I ask, "why"?

I'll wait for the ever profound answer.