the fiance

I sometimes wonder when I say i was engaged at one time why people seem so shocked.  "you" were engaged?  maybe it's my anti-marriage/anti-kids campaign?  maybe i'm not the marrying kind?  i dunno, but what i do know is that once in my life i had an engagement ring on my finger and a  fiancé...i kept the ring, not the fiancé.  Well I actually only kept it for a little while and then i turned it in and bought a really pretty emerald bracelet - the ring was also an emerald (i'm not a diamond girl). 

i wish i could say i dumped him but, um, ya, well, that would be lying so the truth is, he woke up 4 months before the "big event" to say he just couldn't do this.  this? this?  what was this?  and then he said, i can't get married.  ahhhhhh, that this.

we were living together at the time and while i knew life was not a bed of roses i certainly wasn't expecting the blow.  and more than not expecting to be dumped 4 months before the wedding (yes, almost everything was bought and paid for) i wasn't expecting to find out he had been involved with someone else.  mmmmm, the joy of that, who p.s. he later married.  but! only to cheat on her too and marry someone else, yep i can pick 'em!

but when i look back i think, i had fun.  he was too young for me that is for darn sure (4 years my junior) and the romance was a whirlwind for sure.  i am sure my parents thought i was nuts but he was likeable and given some of my past relationships they were probably just happy that i was happy.  of course they never predicted the sh*t storm that would come with the breakup. 

you see, our families were intertwined already.  my mom and his became fast friends.  our friends melted together.  we did couples things with other couples.  we had game night and movie night.  wow, as i type this i can see why he panicked...we were old already.  but it was fun!  i enjoyed these friends and our family and i enjoyed the simplicity of our life. i liked a bit of routine, i really did.  i guess the homebody in me came alive.  we had fun, or maybe i was the only one having fun?

but really i wasn't having fun.  i remember nights crying on the phone with my best friend but thinking it was wedding planning blues.  i really should have listened to her when about 3 weeks before he dropped the bomb on me, she did!  "you don't have to marry him" she said, "it's not too late to cancel".  i remember thinking to myself, what is she talking about?  i should have run at that moment.  i should have listened to someone who could see me and how i had some how lost myself in this relationship, it was a classic 'run don't walk' moment - but i missed it.

many years later, he and i still do not talk- nothing to say i guess.  but i do thank him on a regular basis.  i thank him for saving me years of misery and what would have likely been a painful divorce. 

friends, part 2

I miss you, I think about you, and i will talk with you soon.

lastly, i am grateful for you...xoxo

ego ego ego

i've been sick for about a week now and so i've had very little time to write, see friends, hear stories, or just about anything.  it's nice to be feeling a bit better but i'm not out of the woods just yet.  i digress...

in spite of being sick i did decide to go on a walk with my friend Jenn last week.  since being sick i've had to cease my training because, well, i can't breathe!

jenn is one of my best friends.  she is amazing.  she is smart, fun, sweet, and beautiful.  however, she has one flaw...her ex.

like many of our ex's he is still 'around'.  he's one of those we can't shake 'em ex's - even if it is to our detriment.  so she still talks to him, sees him, blah blah blah.  i sit back, listen and seriously do not judge - been there done that, i am in no place to judge anyone, as evidenced by my lack of decision making ability.

back to the walk, jenn and our chat.  so Jenn's ex is still hanging around and he's well, what would i say about him?  first i would say i don't know him.  i would say i have met him once, he was leaving as i was arriving.  i would then say he isn't very nice to her IMO (in my opinion) and i would have to say he has the ego the size of texas.  so was it any surprise the other night while having a conversation with Jenn he said, "it must be nice to talk to me". 

yep, you read it, "it must be nice to talk to me".  you see, he feels he brings some light to her life.  he is the epiphany she has been waiting for.  had she not had HIM to talk to well, she may not have worked through her stuff.  you see apparently this educated woman would be nothing had she not had him to talk to. 

bottle it.  put a cap on it.  save it.  that might be the BEST thing I have ever heard from anyone.  any woman or man.  that level of ego is just delicious.  how do you make that shit up?  you don't. 

ah, thank you jenn's ex - i am getting hours of entertainment off of this nugget.

my kid

happy birthday missy!

buckethead

I had just been dumped by the fiancé and was out and about on a regular basis, trying to re-establish myself in the dating world.

tracy and i were at a local pasadena hang out, minding our own business, having a few drinks after work and basically just having a good time.  as we sat at the bar a cocktail waitress approached, she had two drinks on her tray and said, "compliments of the gentlemen" and pointed to two very handsome men about 30' away.

as much as i wanted to accept the drink i said to the waitress, "if they want to send a drink they can come over and say hello" - so she returned the drinks with the message.  about 20 seconds later, they approached us and said "hello". 

that night i met Chris.  he was good looking, single and a single dad.  at that time i vowed to never date a man with kids.  it had nothing to do with the kids it had to do with the ex's and boy did he have an ex.  she made his life as miserable as possible.

he and i dated off and on for a few years - we always seemed to come back to one another until the one day we said goodbye.  we just couldn't continue since he was not willing to be in a full time relationship.  after all he was recently divorced when we met <run don't walk signal number 1> and not ready to be in another relationship.  so the casual off and on dating was the best he could offer but it wasn't good enough for me <as it shouldn't be>. 

after a short stint of not talking to one another we finally found a place in our lives where we each fit, friends.  i consider him one of my closest friends and consider myself lucky.  we can talk honestly about our time together and laugh.  we have fun memories and he has been of enormous support to me throughout the 15 years we have known one another.

thanks for the fun buckethead!