really?

I cannot believe this has happened...AGAIN!  I thought I was past the Wednesday and a half experience.  I thought at 42 the games were over.  "He" said there were no games...he said he was "in" only to literally have him stop calling...no excuse, no story, no explanation - just gone.

We had talked, daily.  He was my smile.  He was my joy.  He said he cared.  He said more.  Ah, so much more.  And then, he fell short.  He had his own demons, his own issues, his own pain and in the end it was all about him - I was not important, I was a blip on the radar. 

My radar was different.  He didn't just come into my life he stormed.  He said - - oh, does it matter what he said?  No not really.  They were words - just words. 

Goodbye my friend - I miss you.  I shall always miss you. 

love or lust?

So I've been thinking, where does the line between lust and love live?  When do you know that what you are feeling is more than a one minute romance?

Lust is defined as:

a craving for sexual intimacy, sometimes to the point of assuming a self-indulgent character

 Love is defined as:

an abstract concept, love usually refers to a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person

I've experienced both.  I've loved deeper than I knew possible and frankly, yes, the same goes for lust.  Today I wonder if there is such a thing as love at first sight or even better, first voice.  Can you fall for someone that you only talk with - without the physical connection but surely the emotional?  What if you know this person and it's like wearing an old sock, comfortable, soft and warm. 

Or is it all just lust disguised as love?  What if it's just ego?  What if it's all just that, your ego being fed by sweet words and empty promises?  Are they empty?  How do you know?

Ah, dear Universe, what say you?

the drug dealer

I was 20, maybe 21 but I think I was 20 - he was 35.  He was handsome, sexy, charming and "my type".  He was the kind of guy that I met and when I would talk to my best friend I would say, "there is just something about him" - she would later laugh at me when I would say that in years to come - there was always something about "them".

Michael was no different.  We met in a normal, non bar way - he came into my work.  Seems he had been out of town and used an ATM in a different city and voila! it took more than it should.  Since I worked at his home bank he called us to fix his problem and indeed I did.  In a matter of a few hours he had been reimbursed and life was good again.  Little did I know he would come in a day later, with a dozen red roses to say "thank you".  When he walked in my heart stopped.  I can still remember, some 20 years later, those blue eyes set against tanned skin with dark hair.  The smile could and did light a room - ah, there WAS something about him.  Little did I know that something was not good.

We started dating, hanging out with friends, he spoiled me - it was nice.  He had money, a good job and was so much fun.  He also had a side job, he sold drugs.

I learned this one New Years Eve when we were out with his friends and mine - he excused himself to the facilities and during this time a friend of his asked me, quite pointedly, "do you know what he's doing in there?".  Of course I did, he was going to the bathroom!  Um, not so quick.  She made sure I knew, he was using the bathroom for other purposes - it was his remote office.  It all became clear - the money, fast pace, gifts and never ending energy - it all made sense.  Cocaine. The words to this song say it best...

If you wanna hang out youve got to take her out; cocaine.
If you wanna get down, down on the ground; cocaine.
She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie; cocaine.

When your day is done and you wanna run; cocaine.
If you got bad news, you wanna kick them blues; cocaine.
She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie; cocaine.

If your thing is gone and you wanna ride on; cocaine.
Don't forget this fact, you can't get it back; cocaine.
She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie; cocaine.

She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie; cocaine.

I would learn more as days and weeks went by.  I would find he was running from the law, was dating several other girls and on the verge of a collapse, an emotional collapse.

I decided this was my time to free myself of all this fun and we went in different directions.  I would meet up with him in years to come and find he was involved with a friend from jr. high school and she was deep in his web.  She had deteriorated due to the drugs and later, she passed away - I am not linking the two in any way, but regardless, it was a sad state of affairs.

What happened to Michael?  I have no idea.  He could be alive - he could be dead.  I've googled him to no avail.

And so, I say, drug dealers are a definite - run don't walk.

Nothing on my mind these days.  Lack of drive.  Motivation.  Desire.  I'm busy with other things right now, mostly work, so my creative mind is asleep. I hope this won't last too long - - I'm behind on my book schedule. 

Dear Universe, rescue me!

snoop(y)

I read an article a few weeks ago, and it made me think, snoop or no snoop?  I thought about my own past and my own indiscretions - and yes, my own snooping.  I have to say, if I had to do it again, I would not.  You see, when you snoop you find.  And ugh, finding is the worst.  All of my fears came true - ugh, that is all I can say right now.  UGH.

so I posted this to Facebook and found that moms will snoop on their kids, to make sure all is well.  Hmmm, not sure how I feel about that.  Another friend said, "anything in this house is free game" and another said, "if I thought my husband/wife was up to something" and tonight, another friend said, "if I feel the need to snoop then I need to get out of the relationship".  Or something like that.  He was too concerned that I would have something over his head that he would NOT elaborate on if/when he HAD snooped and make no mistake, he has/had.

How do I know if he has?  When straight out asked he avoided (eyes shifting I'm sure)...so if he refuses to tell me the truth, I shall create my own truth - HE SNOOPED!  (HAHAHAHAHA)

Now, with all this being said, I too believe someone has snooped on me.  I know for sure my journal was read while I was in high school pouring my heart out onto the empty pages and like me, they read more than they bargained for.  And if I'm not mistaking the ex fiance, he snooped in my journals too.  Not sure that he learned anything exciting other than, "this relationship has issues". 

Just a random thought about life...if you snoop does that mean you don't trust?  Or is curiosity the devil on your shoulder?

Oh, Universe, step in...