first love

i was 16, naive, shy, and insecure.  he was 18 confident, cocky and yes, arrogant.  he had a laugh that could get anyone's attention and did.  he was tall and good looking.  he pushed every limit and boundary.  he had that something and he knew it.

he stood me up for my junior prom because he "forgot" he had already said yes to someone else - forgot, really? he had a few female friends that he often chose over me and then the one girl that wouldn't go away - a family friend that everyone loved.  bleck.  he showed up to my senior prom in shorts (yes he changed before the dance) and he provoked my parents at every turn - all in the name of humor.  humor to him.  he didn't really love me the way i loved him until the end and by then i was over the drama.  i didn't know what that meant but i knew i couldn't be with someone who didn't support me the way i needed to be supported.

clearly we were doomed at the start.  to be honest i don't even remember the beginning, i think that would require some journal searching <i'll have to do that one day soon>.  his parents never liked me, i was not one of *them* - you know, white.  my skin tans quite nicely in the summer (or it did some many years ago) and well my ancestors were here before his...get the picture?

we struggled through many years of a relationship that was too intense for either of us.  he says six years, i say eight.  we parted company, i went my way, he went his.  i never married <almost doesn't count> and he did.  i never had kids, he did.  he finally realized and came to grips with the madness of his family (sheesh, that took forever) and well, mine is as it always was, perfect <insert giggles - lots of giggles>.  he would become a distant memory for many years until lately.

he would set the tone for so many of my relationships to come.  i think i was harder because of him...less inclined to give in.  less apt to let my feelings show.  and then i did...ahhh, the pain and agony of relationships.  <insert more giggles>.

he came back once before.  i was involved with the person i thought i would marry <dodged that bullet> and i was really in love.  i read a letter he wrote saying how we could still work it out.  hmmm, i wonder now if i should have given that a bit more consideration?  i remember thinking then, "i wonder if anything has changed?" but i did nothing to find out.  instead i threw the letter in the trash and moved forward, into the light that was not the bright side of the tunnel but rather the head of an oncoming train, the break up from the fiance.

even after that horrific heart break i never turned back to the one person i thought i would always return to, him.  instead i moved forward, took one hit after another and wondered quitely in the night, did i make the biggest mistake of my life.

i never asked about him.  i never drove past any houses.  i simply turned my back and walked away.  and like i said, he showed up recently (virtually that is) and i thought to myself one last time...run don't walk. 

one day i will listen to myself.

Update on Thursday, October 1, 2009 at 10:15PM by Lori Luna

Ahhhh, the joy of writing a blog.  "HE" read it.  And I got spanked.  He thinks I am 'unfair' - that i was only telling one side and forgetting others. he is right - i am telling my side of the story.

i shall not be silenced and i will continue to tell my story, my way, in my voice.

p.s...he went on a rant and asked that i not post the comment - i shall honor his request.

yes, no, maybe?

another facebook connection.  another blast from the past.  this time it comes from the unexpected.  the ex-boyfriend.  the one i spent so much time with in my most formidable years - when it comes to relationships.  the one i loved more than i could handle.  the one who took my heart and tore it in pieces and then tried to put it back together.  the one who said he would love me forever.

he's back.

we are years older, years wiser (presumably) and maybe more forgiving.  forgiving of our flaws and youth.  forgiving of our shortcomings - all of them.

the email he sent was kind, sweet and honest.  he said he was sorry for some wrong doings of the past.  he said he would be okay if i didn't write back - and i thought, maybe that would be the smarter thing -don't write back.  but i must admit, curiosity did get the best of me.  i "had" to know, what is he doing? how is he doing?  and so i took the leap.

now, we are catching up.  a few text messages, a few emails, one phone call.  but the question is sitting on my shoulders, heavy and strong - is it okay to talk to him?  is it okay when he is now married (happily? i don't know) and has a lovely child who he adores.  am i crossing some invisible line?  or is it okay if it's all innocent?

the questions is - is it innocent?

if i said i didn't reminisce i would be a liar.  of course the old memories have flooded forward.  of course i hold on to the fun and push away the sad, hurt, and angry memories...I mean isn't that what reconnecting with old friends (and boyfriends) is all about.  you put on your rose colored glasses and remember what makes you feel good and not that which brings tears to your eyes and an ache in your heart?

am i the bad guy for engaging in conversation with my first love, who is now married? 

so dear universe, i put this out to you...what do you think?