yes, no, maybe?
Thursday, May 28, 2009 at 10:45PM 
another facebook connection. another blast from the past. this time it comes from the unexpected. the ex-boyfriend. the one i spent so much time with in my most formidable years - when it comes to relationships. the one i loved more than i could handle. the one who took my heart and tore it in pieces and then tried to put it back together. the one who said he would love me forever.
he's back.
we are years older, years wiser (presumably) and maybe more forgiving. forgiving of our flaws and youth. forgiving of our shortcomings - all of them.
the email he sent was kind, sweet and honest. he said he was sorry for some wrong doings of the past. he said he would be okay if i didn't write back - and i thought, maybe that would be the smarter thing -don't write back. but i must admit, curiosity did get the best of me. i "had" to know, what is he doing? how is he doing? and so i took the leap.
now, we are catching up. a few text messages, a few emails, one phone call. but the question is sitting on my shoulders, heavy and strong - is it okay to talk to him? is it okay when he is now married (happily? i don't know) and has a lovely child who he adores. am i crossing some invisible line? or is it okay if it's all innocent?
the questions is - is it innocent?
if i said i didn't reminisce i would be a liar. of course the old memories have flooded forward. of course i hold on to the fun and push away the sad, hurt, and angry memories...I mean isn't that what reconnecting with old friends (and boyfriends) is all about. you put on your rose colored glasses and remember what makes you feel good and not that which brings tears to your eyes and an ache in your heart?
am i the bad guy for engaging in conversation with my first love, who is now married?
so dear universe, i put this out to you...what do you think?
first love, now what, yes or no in the book
Reader Comments (8)
We all grow and we all change. Some for the better and some, well not as much. You have to let you heart drive your actions and know that in the end you will do the right thing for you. To reengage is not the issue. To reengage to what level is up to you and to him. Only thing I would say is protect yourself and don't let him or the situation hurt you again. Yes we all grow and change. You have as well. You are a warm, caring and sensitive woman. This is why you have re entered his life. Before you move forward, if you choose to move forward, ask him why he has re entered yours. I love you.
A little catch up is fine. But, go further, reminiscing about those rose colored times...will make him think those same thoughts, and then you're walking that dangerous line. He's the married one, so let him own a little of the line drawing too!!
Well, I feel it is OK to talk maybe a few times who wouldn't. But my friend, I believe he is coming in contact with you for other reasons. Nothing good can come out of this and guess who will get hurt. I would not be happy if my husband was speaking with a old girlfriend. Does the wife know that you two are speaking???? If she doesn't he is not behaving like a good husband and daddy. BE CAREFUL......
I think curiosity is why he contacted you. That is why sites such as Facebook are so popular. Reconnecting. Maybe wondering if he did the right thing many years ago. Maybe feeling guilty about so many things. Maybe bored. Maybe sorry...
I think this can come to no good. the man made you unhappy 20 years ago, what makes you think he's had a current epiphany? Trust who you were back then and realize that a person's character is formed by 15 or 16. If you want brutal honesty...the man is going through a mid-life "somethin-somethin" and he is looking for the drama, excitement, sexiness, and youth that came with the teenage romance - problem is...he's married, very committed and the father of a child. His whim could be your disaster. Trust me, I'm older than you. Run don't walk! Love you always. eas
It is hard to not be curious about someone in your past that you have not spoken to in such a long time. There is nothing wrong with catching up, having conversations and reminiscing about the past. Sometimes things "end" because they need to "end" so that we can continue to grow as a person. We hopefully learn from our mistakes and the choices that we make. When we have relationships and they "end" it is always "badly" or they wouldn't "end." Take this time to learn about yourself. Ask questions, listen to the responses. Be open and honest with yourself and with him as far as what you are thinking and/or feeling. Just because you are talking to him does not mean that you have to have a "relationship" with him, he may become a very good "friend." As I have said before there are different types of Friends; friends that are for a season, reason or life time. Maybe there is a reason that he has come back into your life.
WOW!!! I can't believe the anger inside some of you. I made her unhappy? I had an epiphany? All relationships that end "end badly" and "are bad?" My answer to that is "therapy". It works. I use it on occasion. The hurt some of you display is frightening. Loraine and I had a very memorable relationship. We shared a lot and grew up a lot at the time. Ours ended because the Love, Care and Passion were to much for us at that age. We were unable to navigate around our age, friends, school, future and mostly family. I asked her to marry me at one point but fortunately for both of us she was smart enough to say no. We would have had some good times but we both knew it would not have lasted but probably a couple of years. That, I believe, probably would have ended badly. We both hurt each other then but we were kids. Since the first time she kissed me, there were, BY FAR, mostly good times. We just ended. I point no blame and hope she does not either. It is what it is. You can't unring that bell. I have never had the feeling that if a relationship is over it has to be bad. I am friends with many women I have had relationships with. My time with each of them has made me the man I am today and I cherish them all. They just simply weren't right. I am not having a mid life crisis. I ran into and old neighbor who told me she is in contact with Loraine on facebook so I said HELLO. I have no misgivings about this reconnection. To say it has not stirred up old feelings would be a lie. But it ends there. Because I am a devoted husband and father to my son and step daughters. If my marriage were to end at any time then who knows. I do not put myself in positions to possibly make a poor choice. With poor choices becomes consequences. I am home every night and I will never disrespect my wife like that. We are best friends and I went through it with her when her first husband cheated on her. I saw and felt the damage it does to all involved. I have been down a long road with my daughters to give them the love and life they deserve. To arbitrarily crucify me as some of you have is hurtful and just wrong. I have told my wife that we have reconnected and even praised Loraine for being so smart in her observations of my mother. Who, I might add, has not seen the my mom in 20 years but still her observation was spot on. My wife is the smartest woman I have ever met and she knows that she can have the ultimate trust in me as I do her. If you lose trust you lose everything. I have had a second chance to keep in touch with a very dear friend and I just do not understand how that can be a bad thing. I have no intention of ever losing contact with Loraine again. I cherish her because I know how big her heart is. I also know, like myself, there is nothing she wont do for friends and family. For me it is sometimes to a fault. My wife knows they simply need to ask and I am there. I think that everything happens for a reason and the reason is I found an old friend. I cherish Loraine and I respect where she is in life. We have had a chance to clear some bad air and the healing has done us both some good. Stereotypes are based on factual observations but they hurt when used in this way. I am a good man and Loraine is a good woman and we have a bond that will stand the test of time I hope. Loraine, you are to smart to think strangers are going to lead you down the right path. We have talked and I have been whole heartedly honest with you. So I will talk or text you soon. Your invitation to have me and my family over the next time we are up there means a lot to me. I can't wait to have you meet AJ. He is an amazing kid with the heart the size of the Golden Gate. I think you and my wife will have a lot to talk about because you are both so intelligent. Please tell your mom, dad and Brian I said hi. Have a Great Day odp Me
Relationships are amazing things. They give us an opportunity to express ourselves and learn about ourselves. We become closer and closer to one another and learn about others in that process. We learn from each relationship and carry that forward to other relationships or friendships. Just because a relationship "ends" at that moment doesn't mean that it actually "ends" in our hearts and minds. When you love someone the way that you loved one another there will always be a piece of you that belongs to that other person. And just because it "ended" all those years ago and you went your separate ways doesn't mean that you can't come together again as friends. i think that it is an amazing healing process to reconnect with someone in your past and to be given the opportunity to learn about that person all over again.