Friends, lovers, and friends again?

Lisa was 17, Steve was 18 – they were and are the best of friends – even after 20 some odd years. When I said I was writing this book she said, oh, I have a story for you.

You see, they always had an innocent love; a love that you have when you cherish the friendship more than the possibility of a relationship. She said they met through friends and immediately hit it off – they connected on a spiritual level, though neither of them knew that at the time. They walked each other through one relationship after another, each one coming to the other when that added level of comfort was needed. They walked each other through marriage(s) and divorce(s) – kids, deaths, and so on. Their friendship is one that has stood the test of time. But not without the obvious hiccup – they both wondered – should I be with you? Am I looking past the obvious? Am I searching for something that is in front of me?

Of course they already knew that answer because they had traveled down that road many years before. Lisa said, “It was one of those things that just had to be done” – had to be done? One of those things? She said, they paid a price higher than either one had expected...they paid the price of their friendship.

Lisa and Steve ventured down that path in their 20’s – neither was in a committed relationship and the apple was too tempting – they took the bite. She said the moment was unforgettable but the consequence too great – she lost her best friend. They realized they couldn’t navigate back to what they had because now they truly knew each other in ways, well, you know. Lisa said Steve became distant (okay I only have her side of the story, so don’t get on my case!), that he was dismissive and turned his back on her.

As she recalls this story tears fell down her face. She said she wished for another chance at that moment – a chance to perhaps make a different choice. But when probed further, she admitted she would not have changed a thing.

Lisa recalls Steve “avoiding” her (her perception) and she was crushed. How could they mend this fence? She said, it was not easy – the road back was rocky, the bumps and bruises lingered longer than most of their break-ups. Lisa went on to say that while they never bring it up, it’s there, it’s just out there.

Which of course reminds me of the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally -

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

Back to Steve and Lisa – yes, they recovered, yes they are best friends again so all is right in the world – or is it?

I still see some wonder in her eyes as she told this story – but it’s the coulda-woulda-shoulda.

So dear universe, can men and women be just friends?

wednesday and 1/2

 

Wednesday and ½ - what is it? Well actually it’s a term I coined because of one guy and his actions one night/morning.

The scene:

It was a Wednesday night (duh!) he and I chatted on the phone, made plans for the weekend, he said, ‘I’ll talk to you tomorrow baby’ and then...I never heard from him again. So why Wednesday and ½? Well, I figure something happened in that millisecond between Wednesday midnight and Thursday, the 12:00:01 = Wednesday and ½. It made and still makes perfect sense to me. Sadly the guy this was coined after would not be the first W & ½ nor the last, but this is how he became the original w & ½.

Arnold, the high school wrestling coach. I was in my mid 20’s, living with my best friend, partying, working, enjoying my life – to say the least.

I met Arnold in a local club; see in the 80’s and early 90’s we went to clubs to ‘dance’ and yes, of course, drink. It was a different scene then. It was fun, light, and carefree – it was simple. Or maybe I was just young so it seemed simple.

But I digress, Arnold. We dated for a short period of time, 4 or 5 months, nothing life shattering or altering. I met his friends, party boys, friendly, outgoing, and nice. He met my friends, fabulous, amazing, intelligent, and HONEST. Arnold was and probably still is, loud, obnoxious and ‘in your face’...so that with my honest friends did not bode well – in fact is was nothing short of a disaster. He was insulting and in return, insulted. It was a night I remember with clarity and wish I could forget. But THAT is not W &  ½, oh no, that would make sense.

Instead the story goes like this...I was young, finding my way through relationships and still a bit naïve to the ways of the world. He invited me to “sin city” with his family for a long weekend. I expressed my hesitation because I had never met his family and it would be awkward at the very least to spend a weekend with people I did not know and well, you know, the whole sleeping arrangement thing was going to be – weird. Now, I must say this is not a ‘sex’ thing, it’s a respect thing. I had too much respect for me but more important for his parents. It seemed like a reasonable request to meet the parents before the weekend so as to alleviate some of the awkwardness. He agreed that we would plan a bbq so I could meet the family and then we would be easy-breezy in vegas (my relationship with vegas would only get worse as the years progressed).

As the days to the ‘vacation’ neared the meet and greet did not occur but my resolve remained the same and he seemed to be more and more understanding, or so I thought. The Wednesday before the weekend (enter W & ½) we spoke on the phone, “baby, I’ve decided we’re not going to vegas this weekend (sic)...I don’t want you uncomfortable”.

Phew – crisis averted! I was so relieved, not to mention impressed. I was THAT important to him. He was willing to forego this weekend because I wasn’t comfortable. So not only was he cute and successful, he was THOUGHTFUL...JACKPOT!

Uh, not so fast. We now enter into the w & ½ zone. The time that stood still, the time where the planets tweaked and pow! He was gone.

Yep, gone. I never heard from him again, EVER.

My roommate tried to convince me to call him, she said, “he could be hurt – something could be wrong”. I had just read a self help book (I did that then) and one part that resonated with me, and still does, was this, “if he doesn’t call you he is not lying in a ditch somewhere calling out your name”.

After plainly refusing to call him, she did and what was she told, in no uncertain terms? Arnold had gone to vegas, you guessed it!

He did not care about me, my feelings, what was important to me, oh no, he cared about vegas and was willing to never speak to me again because I wasn’t willing to compromise.

As I said, he was not the last, just the first, to be coined Wednesday and ½. This man, is out there (women too), he has a different name, job and look but he is the same. It did not make it easier to accept but it did offer some needed levity and as I look back, it was all for the better – after all, without him, there wouldn’t be a term for the behavior.

Ahhh, the memories.

besides who want to be with someone who calls your friend a Pomeranian!

is it ever too late to say...

so i've been thinking.  is it ever too late to say i'm sorry?  is there an imaginary line in the sand that says, "after x date you can't say i'm sorry"?  is there ever a time when it really "is" too late to say those words?

after all, there are "I'm sorry" cards, songs, emails, letters, texts, posts and so on but when is it too late?  is it too late when years have passed and really, you don't remember what you are apologizing for but you know you should?  is it too late when so many wrong words were said that you just don't know the right words to fix it?  is it too late if hearts were hurt and egos damaged?

what if it's family?  the wrong that just can't be righted (hmmm, is that a word?  Yes, i just looked).  it seems we are so much harder on the one's we love than the friends in our life.  i know of my own family where loyalty has been tossed aside for greed.  where self righteous behavior (and frankly stubbornness) has taken over and "to hell with everyone" steps in. i know of a friend who is suffering through family drama and the words "i'm sorry" might make it all go away...might being the operative word.

not sure exactly what prompted this thought, but i am putting it out there...is it ever too late to utter those words and regain what might have been lost?

so dear universe, i ask you to solve this lingering thought in my mind...when is it too late?

humans 1 - mouse 0

i am a horrible friend.  last night, one of my best friends, Jay (short for nothing), text me this message, "i have a fucking mouse in my house!"

what did i do?  i giggled. 

you see, Jay hates 'creatures'.  when i say creatures i mean, non human creatures - okay, she tolerates 'the Miss' but i do mean tolerates (kidding j; she's VERY good to The Miss). 

so when she texts this message i nearly spit out my fabulous wine = bad thing.

i happen to have a visual - Jay is on the back of the sofa, feet up (which p.s. feet are not allowed on the sofa) because the idea that a rodent is roaming her house is just enough to send her to the looney bin.  of course a good friend, not me, would be sympathetic, but no, i laughed at the idea that she was being held hostage by a creature that was, frankly, more scared of her than she of it.

my text messages continued for a bit longer...

her: i'm moving out

me: i'm sorry!

her: i hate mice

me: me too

her: how did it get in

me: they have no spine, he probably just flattened himself out

her: see why i hate mice!

i am now concerned.  thankfully her family is nearby and dad came to the rescue - dads rule!

this morning i got a text message:

humans - 1; mouse - 0

all is right in the world again.

lx

the paw-sibilities are endless

I read a blog post today and nearly fell out of my 'work from home' chair.  pet airlines?  could it be?  armed and ready to be a skeptic i clicked on the link and low and behold - it is true, Pet Airways is real!

Would 'i' travel without 'the Miss'? not likely!  but i do love that the furry family members don't have to be in cargo!

viaje animales pequeños seguros

translation: travel save little animals (i used a translation website)