my kid

happy birthday missy!

buckethead

I had just been dumped by the fiancé and was out and about on a regular basis, trying to re-establish myself in the dating world.

tracy and i were at a local pasadena hang out, minding our own business, having a few drinks after work and basically just having a good time.  as we sat at the bar a cocktail waitress approached, she had two drinks on her tray and said, "compliments of the gentlemen" and pointed to two very handsome men about 30' away.

as much as i wanted to accept the drink i said to the waitress, "if they want to send a drink they can come over and say hello" - so she returned the drinks with the message.  about 20 seconds later, they approached us and said "hello". 

that night i met Chris.  he was good looking, single and a single dad.  at that time i vowed to never date a man with kids.  it had nothing to do with the kids it had to do with the ex's and boy did he have an ex.  she made his life as miserable as possible.

he and i dated off and on for a few years - we always seemed to come back to one another until the one day we said goodbye.  we just couldn't continue since he was not willing to be in a full time relationship.  after all he was recently divorced when we met <run don't walk signal number 1> and not ready to be in another relationship.  so the casual off and on dating was the best he could offer but it wasn't good enough for me <as it shouldn't be>. 

after a short stint of not talking to one another we finally found a place in our lives where we each fit, friends.  i consider him one of my closest friends and consider myself lucky.  we can talk honestly about our time together and laugh.  we have fun memories and he has been of enormous support to me throughout the 15 years we have known one another.

thanks for the fun buckethead!

first love

i was 16, naive, shy, and insecure.  he was 18 confident, cocky and yes, arrogant.  he had a laugh that could get anyone's attention and did.  he was tall and good looking.  he pushed every limit and boundary.  he had that something and he knew it.

he stood me up for my junior prom because he "forgot" he had already said yes to someone else - forgot, really? he had a few female friends that he often chose over me and then the one girl that wouldn't go away - a family friend that everyone loved.  bleck.  he showed up to my senior prom in shorts (yes he changed before the dance) and he provoked my parents at every turn - all in the name of humor.  humor to him.  he didn't really love me the way i loved him until the end and by then i was over the drama.  i didn't know what that meant but i knew i couldn't be with someone who didn't support me the way i needed to be supported.

clearly we were doomed at the start.  to be honest i don't even remember the beginning, i think that would require some journal searching <i'll have to do that one day soon>.  his parents never liked me, i was not one of *them* - you know, white.  my skin tans quite nicely in the summer (or it did some many years ago) and well my ancestors were here before his...get the picture?

we struggled through many years of a relationship that was too intense for either of us.  he says six years, i say eight.  we parted company, i went my way, he went his.  i never married <almost doesn't count> and he did.  i never had kids, he did.  he finally realized and came to grips with the madness of his family (sheesh, that took forever) and well, mine is as it always was, perfect <insert giggles - lots of giggles>.  he would become a distant memory for many years until lately.

he would set the tone for so many of my relationships to come.  i think i was harder because of him...less inclined to give in.  less apt to let my feelings show.  and then i did...ahhh, the pain and agony of relationships.  <insert more giggles>.

he came back once before.  i was involved with the person i thought i would marry <dodged that bullet> and i was really in love.  i read a letter he wrote saying how we could still work it out.  hmmm, i wonder now if i should have given that a bit more consideration?  i remember thinking then, "i wonder if anything has changed?" but i did nothing to find out.  instead i threw the letter in the trash and moved forward, into the light that was not the bright side of the tunnel but rather the head of an oncoming train, the break up from the fiance.

even after that horrific heart break i never turned back to the one person i thought i would always return to, him.  instead i moved forward, took one hit after another and wondered quitely in the night, did i make the biggest mistake of my life.

i never asked about him.  i never drove past any houses.  i simply turned my back and walked away.  and like i said, he showed up recently (virtually that is) and i thought to myself one last time...run don't walk. 

one day i will listen to myself.

Update on Thursday, October 1, 2009 at 10:15PM by Lori Luna

Ahhhh, the joy of writing a blog.  "HE" read it.  And I got spanked.  He thinks I am 'unfair' - that i was only telling one side and forgetting others. he is right - i am telling my side of the story.

i shall not be silenced and i will continue to tell my story, my way, in my voice.

p.s...he went on a rant and asked that i not post the comment - i shall honor his request.

what now - what next

i walked my talk.

i hit delete.

it felt like a knife in my heart.

i am tired.

sleeping feels good.

sweet dreams.

and then there was none

it came and went in one instant.